love,loss and hope

Best friends!

2012-01-18T14:34:00.001-07:00

What are you doing right now...

2012-01-12T21:16:00.001-07:00

I have seen this on some of the blogs I follow so I thought I would fun to do!

Right now I am:

watching: Up All Night (DVR)

eating: nothing but wanting ice cream!

drinking: water wishing it was a glass of wine!

wearing:Yoga pants, and and tee

avoiding: Putting Sam to bed

feeling: Overwhelmed

missing: Jen...could use a girls night in Austin

thankful: for my family

weather: Cold

praying: For answers

needing: A girl's weekend.

thinking: How I should go to the gym and run.

loving: Listening to James and Sam play trains in the basement. Sam misses his Daddy when he travels for work.

Cars

2012-01-11T11:24:00.001-07:00

As anyone who has come by the house lately can tell you about Sam's obsession with cars. They cover the living room floor, can be found in pockets of his coats and last night he took one to bed with him. Add this to his second obsession, water and you have a great night of fun washing his cars in the kitchen sink!

I am sure this is how sees me!

2011-12-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

There are no words for what I feel today

2011-12-09T14:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Sam,
My heart is overflowing with gratitude for you today. As we danced to Christmas music you fell asleep in my arms and it was delightful Mommy moment for me. One that I will remember forever.
You are getting so big, Sam. As I rocked you and watched you sleep it amazes me how big you are and how much you have grown up since last Christmas. It seems like yesterday I was rocking a little baby and now I am rocking a little boy.
While you slept tears rolled down my cheeks as gratitude poured though my veins. Gratitude that you are healthy, happy, growing and smart. Gratitude that I am your Mommy. Gratitude for your fat little toddler hands and your beefy thighs. Gratitude for the little boy you are becoming.

Today, and always I will always be grateful to be your Mommy.

I love you, Son! Thanks for a very fun afternoon.

Love always,
Mommy

Adoption

2011-11-27T13:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Sam,

At playgroup yesterday a dear friend helped me explain to her daughter you are adopted. It took my breath away as sometimes I forget. Since it was my first time having to explain to a child you are adopted I was falling over my words. Luckily, a wise friend stepped in and helped me. Her words delighted my soul. She told her daughter that your birthmom did not think she could be the best Mommy she could be so she picked the very best parents for you. I hope I can live up to that as your Mommy.

Your birthmom did and does love you, Sam. More than you will ever know. More than I will be able to tell you. She gave you the world. I just get to watch you enjoy it. You gave you life. She made me a Mommy. She is my hero. I know you will be able to meet her, if you should choose. I hope you do. She is an amazing person, Sam. Her love for you will never fail.

As your Mommy I will continue to teach you about your adoption, what it means and be better able to explain the words in my heart. I hope I can live up to the words of my dear friend and be the best Mommy I can. I love you with all I have!

Love always,
Mommy

Sam's Christmas Photo Shoot

2011-11-27T10:28:00.001-07:00

He loves to have his picture taken and this time was no exception. He smiled, posed and laughed all on cue! It was a great time for all of us! Here are the cute results...

Sam wanted to go school...

2011-11-17T16:18:00.001-07:00

...in my shoes and his jammies. And no, it was not a school day!

One day I will miss this mess

2011-11-11T20:07:00.001-07:00

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-10T22:42:00.001-07:00

After a long week of emotions, feelings of loss, and coming to grips. I need to remind myself of the things I have to be oh so grateful for.

First and foremost, I am so thankful for my dear husband. We are opposite in very many ways but together we make the most prefect pair. James is my rock and biggest cheerleader. I often wonder how I got so lucky to find him. I need to remind myself of how lucky I am when he is driving me up a wall!

For Sam, he is a my hero and that is no lie. He is talking so much now and the conversations we have make me smile, giggle and cry at the same time. I just can not believe how grown up he is. I love this little person!

Wine, how I adore you. You are my reward after long days.

7:15 pm I adore you, too! As this is the time my non napping exhausted toddler is asleep. The house is quiet and the day is done.

Playdates with great friends who keep me sane.

A simple text from a friend who somehow knew I needed to hear what she said.

My gym class. You are a great stress reliever. I never knew how much I needed this until this week.

My camera... its photos tell a story. My story... our story... the good and the bad. The story of Cole and Cate. It tells the story of Sam. The story of James and I. It tells me that through the lens I can capture the feelings of what is on my heart. It tells me of how much I have and far I have become. It defines my purpose, my logic and my gratitude.

My Mom and Dad. I mean who else could you call when the day is going to hell? And they are the best grandparents!

My in-laws! I know there are people who can not stand their in-laws but I am not one of them. They treat me like a daughter and for that I am grateful.

My dear friends and double dates who keep me laughing!

Sleep..which is what I should be doing now. 4:45 am will be here soon. Yes, folks that is when our day starts!

Off to bed with a thankful heart!

2011-10-31T22:00:00.000-06:00

Halloween admittedly is not a favorite Holiday of mine but I confess this all changed tonight. Sam and his friend, Liam, went trick or treating for the first time and soon got the hang of what it meant! It was a joy to watch the excitement on his face when they put a piece of candy in his Elmo Easter basket. Yes, an Elmo Easter basket. I forgot to get him a Halloween one so we used what we had. Makes for a good laugh! We went and saw all our friends and received more candy than we will ever eat. It was great night for everyone!

Super Sam!

Grandpa, Sam and Murphy

Best friends!

Love these two!

Ute Football Game

2011-10-29T16:06:00.002-06:00

Our friends could not use two of their Ute Football tickets and offered them to us! I do not know who was jumping up and down from excitement me or James! After a rough start of getting out of the house we headed out. But we arrived (barely) only to find out we had awesome seats! Excitement is now at an audible sound.
As were were watching the cheerleaders Sam did not move...he was in love. As they exited the field he asked where the girls where. And wanted to know where they were the whole game. He is so his Daddy boy.
The Utes lost but the day was a blast for us! Sam sat through three quarters and then the cold got to him and we mad a quick exit as the tears were starting to fall. Yes, they were from me because we had to leave. It was a memorable day for all three of us! Thanks to friends who knew we would have a blast!

It was cold!

Watching the cheerleaders!

Go Utes!

Our adoption of number two failed.

2011-10-05T16:03:00.001-06:00

My heart broke into a million pieces when I received the call. After four failed adoptions we decided that Sam will remain an only child. He is a huge blessing in our lives and we give him the best life anyone could ask for! We are blessed to have a healthy, happy, smart, adorable, tender as well as stubborn little boy who delights all he meets. Though, the thought of not seeing him as a big brother after loving on all babies he sees and holds it is the best decision for our family. I cleaned out all the baby clothes which were donated or given as hand me downs. It pained me deeply until I picked up my sweet little boy from school. As he ran to me when he saw me, tears fell down my cheeks and they feel hard. As I was trying to gain composure he said, "it okay Mommy...it okay." Your are very right, Sam with you in our lives everything is okay!

We will never forget!

2011-09-11T23:12:00.000-06:00

September 11, 2001

2011-09-03T21:44:00.000-06:00

Today, we did all Sam's favorite things to celebrate his birthday. We started the day out at the jump house and ended the night playing put put! He hit the ball so hard that it flew to the next hole. We all were laughing including the other family on hole he hit into. They said he has a future in golf. We all can hope so! James and his granddads would be so proud!

We all had a fantastic time celebrating his day. We will continue to celebrate all week with a family dinner with James' parents tomorrow, cupcake making with Granmama on Thursday and friend party on Saturday! There is doubt we love birthdays around here especially for such a special little guy named Sam.

First Day of School

2011-08-31T13:39:00.000-06:00

I can not believe I have almost two year old who goes to school! There were no tears, except by me as soon as I got to the privacy of my car, and he wanted "more" when I went to pick him up. Of course, I was there at 11:30 not 12:00 to watch him play outside with all his little friends. He had a smile on his face as he was playing basketball and going down the slide. I hope this continues as the school year is long. I am at a lost to do with three hours for two days a week without my little partner in crime. I am sure as I get use to leaving him it will be easier to fill my few hours of quiet. I did enjoy a Starbucks while browsing for something new to read, and shopped the clearance rack at Nordstroms. This might be alright for both of us. A little down time for me and learning new things for my little man!

All ready to go!

"Bye Mommy"

Already playing!

Just an ordinary morning!

2011-08-31T06:59:00.000-06:00

We took Sam to Build a Bear and he fell in love with the stroller..not the bears... but the stroller. After a fight to get out we headed off to Toys R Us to purchase a stroller! Sam loves it. Yesterday, he wanted to take bear for a walk. Yes, he is n a k e d. Just another ordinary morning!

Cooking

2011-08-26T19:02:00.016-06:00

Sam loves to cook and I love to make cupcakes, a match made in heaven! Despite a few egg shells he did fabulous. He put the ingredients in the mixer, put the wrappers in the pan, helped scoop, frosted, and put sprinkles on. He was so proud and so was I! I look forward to making them again with him. If you need cupcakes just let us know!

"Here Mommy try it"

This cupcake decorating is serious business.

"I am going to be a big brother!"

2011-08-17T13:59:00.001-06:00


Big brother! Our birthmom is due in November. Please keep us in your prayers!

Phrases

2011-08-14T20:50:00.002-06:00

Sam is surprising me with all the new phrases he is saying and I don't want to forget them.
* Murphy, not a choice.
* Mommy hold you.
* "Sam, where is Daddy?" "He golfing."
* His little friend is Jack and when Sam is having a rough day he will tell me he needs "his Jack".
* Driving to our friends house he will ask me if I need coffee.
* Murphy come here.
* What is going on here?
* I did it!
*While driving I heard him talking to his cars and he said, "stop it." I am not proud of that one!
* Diaper off
* Love you
* Daddy, you start the edger or lawnmower
* It's good
* Cheers!
* I might like it
* I call Papa (usually when he is mad at me)
* I need Murphy
* I row, row (wants to go swimming)
*What's that?
* I eat it
* Where it go?

You know you are a Mommy when...

2011-08-14T13:59:00.001-06:00

... you know of the name of the goldfish on Sesame Street but have to Google Amy Winehouse after the news of her passing.

... dinner is the whole date not just the start of the date

... you go to dinner with another couple and see them at afterwards at Target buying the same thing....diapers of course!

... sleeping in is 7:00 am because usually you are up at 6:00.

...anything after 11 pm is going to bed late

... relaxing at home with your little family is better than a fancy night out

....dressing up means putting on something besides yoga pants

...cleaning out your truck means finding three sippy cups (gross!), a pair of socks, six toys, a half chewed granola bar, a swim bag with a swimsuit, and Cookie Monster.

...watching a Daddy taking his wailing son out of a grocery store makes your realize we have all been there and if you have not you will be.

...watching your husband, who you have loved all along, read a story, golf, play trucks or take him out of the day makes you love him even more, which you never thought possible.

....having a day to myself makes me a better Mommy

...hearing your son say, "love you" makes your heart melt

...even on the most difficult days it is the best job I have ever had or will have.

Today I believe...

2011-08-07T22:09:00.001-06:00

Today I believe being a Mommy to a toddler is the best job! Exhausting at the end of the day but oh so much fun...most days!

Today I believe watching Sam hold a baby brings tears to my eyes.

Today little guy can melt any bad day!

Today I believe that there having a day off makes me a better Mom.

Today I believe watching Sam run down the huge hill makes me giggle with delight.

Today I believe seeing Jen makes me realize no matter how long it has been since we have seen each other there is nothing better than great friends, long hugs, and watching our children, who we both waited for so long, play together!

Today I believe cooking with Sam makes a huge mess but cooking has never been so much fun!

Summer Nights

2011-07-16T08:06:00.000-06:00

Sam's first movie-June 24,2011

2011-07-06T20:08:00.000-06:00

I won tickets to see Cars2 and we had a blast. I am not sure who loved the movie more James or Sam!

He loved having his own ticket!

Sam's new stage

2011-07-05T15:12:00.000-06:00

Sam new stage is that he loves to be N.a.k.e.d while outside. If he goes outside in the backyard the first thing he asks for is for his shorts to be off, then shirt and then he removes his diaper.

Gardening


Edging

Luckily, when our dear friends came over for dinner tonight their son decided to do the same thing. Seeing two little bottoms running around while we were having dinner makes me giggle. I love these warm Summer nights of dear friends, naked bottoms, and a good glass of wine.

Motorcycle!

2011-06-22T22:43:00.003-06:00

The only one he will ever have as long as I am alive!

Hat

2011-06-20T15:31:00.001-06:00

After our trip to MN Sam has been obsessed with his baseball hat and will only wear it backwards. All my recent photos are evident of this recent obsession. I just want to know one thing when did my baby grow up to a little boy?!?

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T22:08:00.001-06:00

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I love you!
Sam
Always in our hearts...Cole and Cate

Forward Facing!

2011-06-18T20:01:00.000-06:00

Our new favorite park

2011-06-15T22:40:00.003-06:00

Dear Sam,
Today, we went to the park with Papa and Amma and had a delightful time! Papa was only able to stay for a little while as he had to go to work but in that short time you both had a great time. I have never seen your Papa so happy at a park!

You were showing Amma how you could climb up the stairs and go down the slide but she was so nervous I did not get any photos of the two of you together, next time!


You love to swing!

Playing in the huge sandbox!

A great day had by all!
I love you Sam,
Mommy

Simple Joys!

2011-06-15T14:24:00.000-06:00

Having an active little toddler who loves to explore has taught me to enjoy the simple joys of life. These are just a few because there are so many!

* Pulling a wagon with Sam and his friend, Jack, and listening to the boys talking to each other.
* Going on walks to the park and looking for cotton, worms, acorns, ants or lawnmowers.
* Playdates with Mom friends and coffee.
* Watching Sam climb the stairs and go down the slides at the park
* Looking for tractors and choo-choos
* Watching Toy Story for the million time and listening to Sam laugh at the same exact parts every time.
* Early morning walks before the neighbors wakes up.
*Playdate with Jen and Oliver, who I miss daily! We will see you in October!
* Watching James read to Sam.
* Watching Sam jump!
* Watching the garbage truck coming on Thursdays.
* Seeing grandparents doing what they do best...spoiling Sam.
* Listening to Sam's conversations while he is playing

There are no words...

2011-06-11T08:24:00.001-06:00

Basement

2011-06-11T08:20:00.001-06:00

For the last two years James has wanted to finish the basement so on May 16th we started the process of completing a family room and a bedroom. I can honestly say I do not who is more excited about it Sam or James. Kelly, the contractor, pulls in the driveway and they run to the door. We are finally seeing progress and it should be completed by the end of June. I am not sure what James and Sam will do when Kelly is not coming by on a daily basis!

Tools!

Knock knocking ( his word for hammer!)

Insulation is up!

The Lake and Twin's Game

2011-06-11T08:03:00.000-06:00

Working with Ty Ty

First baseball hat

All this playing wears him out.

The Lake

Children's Mesuem in MN

2011-06-08T15:48:00.000-06:00

Day 1

2011-06-08T13:57:00.000-06:00

Trip to see Uncle Ty Ty and Auntie

2011-06-06T22:59:00.002-06:00

Dear Sam,
What a wonderful trip we had! You were a fabulous little boy on the 2.5 hour plane right and a delight to fly with. The only time you cried was the last 20 minutes of each flight but who could blame you as it was a long time for a little guy to sit! I am so proud of you, Sam.

When we arrived to Ty Ty's and Auntie's house we were welcomed by two dinosaurs and two Kit Kats...what a welcome! Those dinosaurs were played with the whole trip...in the tub, under the table, and went everywhere with us. Not long after putting our bags down you were running up and down the hallway and going up and down in the elevator. You made friends with all the dogs in the building much to our delight. It was a great way to expel wound up energy. Soon, Ty Ty and Auntie were home and we realized how much we all missed them.

Soon, dinner time was approaching so we walked to grab pizza and bring it back to the apartment. You loved walking with Ty Ty and the love between you both brings delight to my heart. I think you must have used all your words on that short walk!

The next day, Friday, we walked to breakfast with Auntie. We smelled flowers and looked at houses but you were so sleepy you fell asleep as soon as we got inside the restaurant. After a quick nap we were off to the Mall of America. We had a blast...giggles and smiles were abound that day. We went to the aquarium where the fish and sharks swam over your head ,which you loved! You also rode your first amusement park ride and talked about it all night. "I drive truck." "Daddy drive truck." As I laid with you in bed that night you repeated this over and over. You talked about the fish, the turtles and the trucks. I have to say it was a great night for me to snuggle with you and talk about what you remember.

Saturday, it was a day full of rain and wind. A lazy morning was had by all. We took a lot of trips to the garbage shoot, another favorite activity of this trip! Soon after breakfast and early naps we were off to the Children's Museum, not a favorite activity of Ty Ty and Auntie but another fantastic time in your world. You played with bubbles, built Lego towers, climbed slides and played with the parachute. Sam, you were happy there as you love to learn. It makes me smile to see you so happy!

Sunday, the sun was out and it was warm! We hurried and got ready to go to the lake. We picked up coffee and bagels and walked over to the lake. It was a stunning morning and soon to be the best day of the whole trip. We ate breakfast over looking the lake while watching boats and fisherman getting ready to go out for the day. We soon spotted a playground and off you ran to go play. It was the prefect toddler playground...little slides, low climbing stairs and sand toys! You face said it all when you realized you could walk up the stairs by yourself! You played with Daddy with the sand toys, swung on the swings with Mommy and make friends with all the kids at the playground. A prefect morning for a toddler little boy!

Soon after the playground we were off to your first Major League Baseball game! Ty Ty and you were in heaven! Auntie found great seats for all of us and we could see the whole field. It was prefect. You loved watching the game, getting your first baseball hat and walking up and down the stairs. After the game, Auntie and Ty Ty needed a rest but you were wound up so off to the lake we went as a family of three. As were walking down the beach you were giving high fives to all the people and one gentleman said, "I want to pre-order five of him." If he only knew your story!

After the lake Ty Ty and Andrea treated us to a fancy dinner where you slept through the meal! It was fabulous time for us to catch up with your Aunt and Uncle and enjoy a yummy meal while you snoozed away on the bench next to me.

Soon our time in Minneapolis came to an end. With tears flowing and hearts sad we said goodbye and were off to the airport. It was so hard to leave. As our little family got into the van without Ty Ty and Auntie you kept asking for them. It broke my heart and still bring tears to my eyes. It hurts my heart but soon be will be back to welcome baby Nicholas into the world!

Funny things you said and did on the trip that I want to remember:

Everytime Ty Ty got into the van you would say, "Careful", everytime!

At the trash shoot you would say, "Where it go?" or "Again!"

Ty Ty taught you how to jump in the elevator so now when we go in one you jump.

Auntie has a huge mirror in the hallway and you were giving the baby high fives.

Daddy shut you and Ty Ty in the van and you said, "What's going on here." for the first time! Ty Ty could not believe it.

Auntie is not suppose to hold you but could not resist sitting you on the counter and loving you up. You both adored it!

"You start the lawnmower." Ty Ty would make a crazy sound and shake his head and you both would giggle. Over and over you played this game. It still makes me laugh when I think of it.

It was a fabulous trip, Sam. One of many to come...one of many!

I love you,
Mommy

Fun at Red Butte

2011-06-05T21:50:00.000-06:00

Fun in the water fountain!

Look at those fat hands! Love!

When did my baby grow up?

Garden Talk with Grandpa

2011-05-26T12:06:00.001-06:00

I am that Mom

2011-05-26T12:01:00.002-06:00

In talking to a girlfriend of mine as the discussion was going I said, "I am that Mom"...

I am that Mom who... is so grateful for energetic little boy who at the end of the exhaust me to my core.

I am that Mom who... is excited when the rain left puddles that allowed Sam and I to play in them until not only our feet were wet but our pants.

I am that Mom.. who hates washing little handprints off the windows. Nothing makes me smile more that those handprints. One day too soon they will be they will be gone.

I am that Mom who... cries when I see artwork Sam has made.

I am that Mom who... calls her Mom when the day is beyond difficult for no other reason to know that she has survived me and I can survive the day.

I am that Mom... who loves to watch Sam eat an ice cream cone and the joy on his face. The sticky hands and messy faces makes me smile.

I am that Mom... who is very forever grateful for Mom friends who get me.

I am that Mom... who misses Cole and Cate more today than yesterday.

I am that Mom.. who loves to watch Sam play with the hose even when the temperature is probably too cool.

I am that Mom...who yearns to say, "Thank you! Can I tell you about the boy you gave birth to and how grateful we are you choose us to parent him." Maybe one day.

I am that Mom.. who hearts feels like it is going to pop out of my chest when Sam asked for more kisses.

Cate

2011-04-11T00:01:00.002-06:00

Dear Cate,
Today, two years ago you left us to go be with your brother,Cole. I think you missed your wombmate and today I miss you! I miss our routine in the hospital, your heartbeat checks, your bum shots to the Doctors, and your movements. I miss what should have been and the could have been.

You were a fighter, Cate and held on until the infection consumed your prefect tiny body. After Daddy turned off the lights for the night and headed home I would talk to you and pray with all my might that you could hang on for another six weeks until they would remit us for the remainder of the pregnancy. Cate, thank you for fighting a fight that should not have been! I knew from the beginning that you would be the a tough little girl.

Happy 2nd Angel Day, Cate! We will celebrate your day as a family today. We will celebrate your little life and how loved you are. We will celebrate the impact it has made on a lot of lives. Most of all we will remember what a fighter your were and how thankful we are for you.

Please along with Cole continue to watch over us!

Sending angel kisses and Happy Angel Day wishes!

I love and miss you,
Mommy

Sam

2011-04-08T20:00:00.027-06:00

Dear Sam,
You won't remember today but I will.
You won't remember how it snowed last night and how your eyes lit up when you saw it but I will.
You won't remember at 8:00 am we were outside shoveling the four inches of snow off the grass with your little red shovel but I will.
You won't remember walking up the path to Grandpa Joe and Grandma's house but I will.
You won't remember looking for fat worms on the way but I will.
You won't remember us splashing in huge puddles until our feet were soaked but I will.
You won't remember being the only people at the park, sliding down the snow covered slides and landing in the snow that we had just pushed off all while laughing but I will.
You won't remember us taking our shoes off when we got home and our socks were soaked but I will.
You won't remember the cuddles while we had with warm milk to warm up but I will.

Thank you, Sam for a awesome morning! It will be one I remember for the rest of my life.

I will always love you,
Mommy

Wheeler Farm

2011-03-30T18:42:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, Sam and I had a great time with our good friends, Armela and Liam at Wheeler Park. We are blessed to have such good friends and neighbors. The day was awesome full of puddle jumping, petting goats, chasing ducks and tractor riding.

We are adopting again!

2011-03-29T09:06:00.002-06:00

We put our final adoptions papers again on 11 March 2010. We submitted Sam's paperwork on the 11 June 2009. We honor Cate by doing so as she was born on the 11 April, 2009. The mound of paperwork, the Homestudy, and the reference letters are all complete. Now we just wait and hope.

We received the following email from our caseworker last night:

Hi Nicole and James,

I just wanted to check in with you and let you know that we currently do not have any situations available. As soon as one becomes available I will give you a call and talk to you about it.

We know the wait could be very long and hope we can remain patient in that wait. We do know that when the time is right another child will join our home.

Baby number four we are waiting and praying for you!

Thanks for your prayers,

Nicole, James and Sam
Always in our hearts Cole and Cate

Cole

2011-03-27T00:01:00.012-06:00

Dear Cole,
Two years ago I held you in my arms and loved on you. Two years ago I counted your fingers and toes. Two years ago seems like an eternity to me today. I ache to hold you and count. I am wondering who you would have looked like. I wonder what milestones you would be hitting. I wonder if you would be running fast and chasing Murphy. I wonder what words you would be saying.
I wonder a lot of things, Cole. Most of all I wonder tonight if you know how much I love and miss you. I wonder if you know how we think about you and that you are never far from my mind. I wonder if you know how much I wish you could have stayed. I miss you, Cole. I wonder if you know just how much.
I still love it when people say your name. It reminds me that they have not forgotten. Please know I have not forgotten. We will never forget.
Happy Angel Day, Son. We will celebrate your short life today with your brother.
Keep watch over us all!
Sweet kisses and loves!
I love you,
Mommy

Cole and Cate's video

2011-03-24T22:39:00.000-06:00

Watching this tonight makes me realize how much I miss them both.
http://angelbabymemorials.blogspot.com/

Off to go get Sam and bring him to bed with me. I am so thankful for that little 24 pound snugglebug. He can make all dark days brighter!

Tonight is a rough night...

2011-03-24T21:53:00.001-06:00

Today I am not strong
Today I am missing the babies...Cole and Cate angel days are coming up too quickly
Today I am wondering if my heart is leading me in the right direction
Today I can not dig deeper
Today I wonder if we will be chosen again
Today I cry
There is always tomorrow....

Sam's first time on a bike

2011-03-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sam's 17 month photo shoot

2011-02-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Things I thought I would never do before I had children

2010-11-01T10:14:00.001-06:00

1. I thought my child would never go out in pjs. This is how I took Sam to the store the other day.

2. I thought I be one of those Mom's who always feed my child healthy wholesome breakfasts. Yes, that would be spaghetti Sam is eating and yes, it was for breakfast.

3. I thought I would never let the children play with dog toys, eat dog food, play with dog leashes or play in the dog's water. All things have happened in the last few months.

4. I never thought I would bath my children in the sink...it grosses me out.

5. I never thought I would head over so heals over in love with a little boy who has changed how I think and who melts my heart on a daily basis.

Sam's 1st Haircut

2010-10-26T19:20:00.002-06:00

Wow, it has been a long time without a post...

2010-10-25T15:03:00.001-06:00

I am dusting off the cobwebs and getting pictures updated. My little brother and sister in law are moving today far, far away today & I am horribly sad about it. My hope is this little blog will keep them updated on Sam. So stay tuned and I will update with photos soon.
We love you Andrea and Tyson! We only wish you the best with the move and the new job. We are very proud of all you have accomplished. See you at Christmas!

Hee Haw Farms

2010-10-22T20:25:00.082-06:00

Dear Sam,
Tonight we took you to Hee Haw Farms. We all had a fantastic evening.
Tonight you...

...thought it would be more fun to climb the sign then to pose

...played in the corn

...rode a John Deere

Sam is in love with his hippo!

2010-09-17T15:11:00.000-06:00

One year old!

2010-09-08T08:25:00.000-06:00

Confessions and thoughts of the day

2010-09-06T15:21:00.000-06:00

* I am still in denial that Sam is turning one on Wednesday.

*Our house is a disaster with all three of us sick this weekend. And no, I have no intention of cleaning today. We are actually feeling better enough to get out of here after naptime.

* I am missing Cole and Cate today. Not unlike any other day but today I just want to go get them. Unrealistic? Of course! I am starting to forget details of their faces and my heart hurts because of that.

* Our family has used enough tissues the last three days to built a small city.

* I often wonder who reads this blog.

Beautiful letter to a wife who is battling cancer

2010-09-05T20:59:00.000-06:00

This video made me pause and say of prayer of thanks for our health.

Rachel's Birthday Letter - Hi-res from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

Wating for Daddy

2010-09-01T11:25:00.001-06:00

The boys waiting for their Daddy to come home!

11 months

2010-08-30T09:01:00.001-06:00

We were outside trying to take his 11 month photo ( a little late as I am still in denial that you are going to be one in a few weeks), you laid down and starting talking the leaves on the tree as they blew in the wind. You are too cute, Sam.
I love you,
Mommy

What happens when you leave to fold the wash

2010-08-30T08:54:00.000-06:00

Love between a boy and his dog

2010-08-21T09:09:00.002-06:00

Murphy food

2010-08-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

Fish face!

Sam throwing out each piece of Murphy's food


Picking up each piece

Busted! He just realized I was there!

Once a Mets fan... always a Mets fan!

2010-08-12T14:30:00.000-06:00

Fun in Park City!

2010-08-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

Modeling his new hat at the Silly Market.


At dinner. What wild hair you have, Sam.

Daddy loves his little boy!

Daddy and Sam played in the waterfall

Time

2010-08-04T23:06:00.001-06:00

Sam

2010-07-16T15:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Samuel Alexander,
You have been keeping Mommy and Daddy very busy lately so I am sorry for the lack of letters. You are getting so big, Sam! When I took you for your weigh in two weeks ago you weighed 18.4 pounds. I could not believe my eyes and I still can't believe it! You are crawling, fast, can stand for few seconds and love to climb the stairs. You will walk about five steps in between us. You taking two naps everyday for a hour! Who would ever thought you would do that after all you slept only 20 minutes for a very long time. We are planning your 1st Birthday party. Your Aunt Boo said she would help me which is fantastic as I still do not want to believe you will be a year old. It seems like yesterday we were flying home with you in our arms. And look at you now at ten months! Your smile melts my heart. When you wake up and I come get you out of your crib you give me a love, every time! Oh, how I love that. You are eating table foods. Your favorites are cheese, Cheerios, watermelon, whole wheat bread, cantaloupe and rosemary flat bread from Trios. You love to go on walks, love Murphy, love baths and going swimming.
You just woke up so I will go get my love and we will go play!

Samuel, you are my best buddy and my little man.
Love always,
Mommy

Fun with new friends!

2010-07-14T17:03:00.000-06:00

Sam and I went with Amanda and Conner to Tracy Aviary and had a great time. It was great to finally catch up and have the kids meet. Sam loved Conner!

Waiting for the bird show to start. And of course, Sam was eating a leaf!

After the show we rode the Merry go Round. I am not sure what part Sam loved more. The birds flying over his head during the show or the Merry Go Round. I believe it would have been a tie if he could tell me.

A fun filled day for all! Thanks Amanda and Connor for the invite!

Not me Monday

2010-07-12T16:26:00.016-06:00

*I did not tub Sam for three days because swimming counts as a tub. Nope, not me.

*I did not lie to my Mom-in-law when she came over to the house and saw the wash siting on the chair. I told her it was wash day. Nope, it has not been sitting in the same spot for two days. I always fold and put wash away on the same day. Always.

* I did not let Sam crawl around naked for 20 minutes while I finished making dinner all because I did not want to go upstairs to get a diaper. Then wonder why there was a puddle on the hardwood. Nope, not me.

* I did not love having James gone for five days on a golf trip and having Sam to myself. Because of pampering I received when he got home I never told him that. I mean who would not want to sleep in past 5:30 am? It was bliss. 7:30 is a much more reasonable hour to start the day.

What did you not do this week?

Day 4

2010-07-08T23:31:00.018-06:00

Dear Daddy,
Today I...
Went to the zoo with Grandmama! I loved the monkeys, Zuri and the giraffes but did not like the llamas or the camels. I also loved the Merry Go Round! I was not even nervous. It was a very fun day!

I love and miss you,
Sam

10 month

2010-07-08T13:06:00.000-06:00

Day 3

2010-07-07T09:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Daddy,
Today I had to work all day. Busy day of emails and phone calls.
I love you,
Sam

Day 2

2010-07-05T21:47:00.001-06:00

Dear Daddy,
Today I...

... played with my dog

...climbed up the crib and chewed on the bumper ties

...climbed on Murphy

...practiced spelling my name

I love and miss you,
Sam

Daddy

2010-07-04T23:19:00.000-06:00

Dear Daddy,
Today I...

Played with Grandmama at the Splash Pad in Ogden. We had a great time! I also played with Milla and William. Aunt Judy, Aunt Lana and Aunt Rachel all played with me, too. I had a blast meeting everyone at the party. We wish you were there.
We miss and love you,
Sam and Mommy

Today

2010-06-24T14:15:00.001-06:00

Dear Cole and Cate,
I was walking up Millcreek today with Sam and Murphy thinking about both of you today. We passed where we laid your ashes and the tears fell. And they fell hard. I miss you both. I miss what should have been and the what could have been. As I continue to walk with you and on my mind and Halo playing on the Itouch the tears continued to fall. Though the tears I also realized how far I have come since last Summer. I am stronger Mommy and a stronger woman. I am a better wife. I am more grateful for what I do have than I have ever been.
Today, I also realized how much you both have taught me. You have taught me to love deeper and hope more. You have taught me to believe. You have taught me that to see the rainbow through the rain.
I love you, Cole and Cate. You are never far from my mind or my heart.
Kisses my little ones and as always all my love.
Until we meet again,
Mommy

Thankful!

2010-06-23T09:18:00.000-06:00

I have been reading on another blog and she posts what she is thankful for every week. My hope is that it will be a reminder for me on a weekly basis on how very blessed I am.
Thankful for:
* Genetic Tylenol
* My mom and dad who took Sam for an afternoon after a very rough night
* Two little teeth
* The babies' tree is in full bloom and is stunning
* Brother and sister-in-law who adore Sam

* Dirt therapy heals the soul and my garden is fabulous this year.
* Giggles and smiles

* Our 1st family vacation

* My darling husband who did the night time routine with Sam last night
* Finger foods and messes make my heart smile

9 months

2010-06-08T09:03:00.001-06:00

Curlers

2010-05-31T20:53:00.001-06:00

And he is still the cutest baby despite what his Mommy may do.

In love!

2010-05-20T15:19:00.000-06:00

Wow, indeed a long time without an update!

2010-05-20T15:14:00.001-06:00

My goal is to blog something every week as Sam is getting so big very fast. It seems like I can't remember everything so I will blog about it in order to help me remember.

Dear Sam,
Today, May 20, you weigh 18 pounds. I simply am amazed how far you have come. When Daddy and I first met you in the NICU we could see all the veins in your belly and today you are 18 pounds. Your hands are fat. You legs have rolls. Your belly is poking out. You have dimples on your elbows. And I am love with each of those parts. You love to eat, Sam. You love oatmeal, all fruits and all most all vegetables with the exception of peas. You also love to feed yourself.
You have learned to army crawl and very fast! Yesterday, you crawled from the front room to the bedroom as you wanted Daddy who was getting your bath ready. You don't like to sit still which is why you hate your diaper or clothes changed.
We are so in love with you, Sam.

So sick of loss

2010-04-11T08:03:00.000-06:00

We made the awful decision to put Ryley down on Wednesday. My heart aches. My soul hurts. The tears have not stopped falling. I have been so strong through the loss of Cole, Cate and Jaxson. But I believe I am at my breaking point.

Sam and Murphy

2010-03-24T15:44:00.000-06:00

I hope these two become best of friends as Sam grows up. Oh, how I wish I could read Murphy's mind!

Forever Family

2010-03-19T18:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Sam,
You are forever ours as of March 18, 2010 at 9:15 am. It was a beautiful sunny day as we entered the courthouse knowing that you would be ours forever. We are honored to be your parents, Sam. You single handedly change our lives as well as those who love you. Your Papa and Grandmama are crazy about you as is your Grandpa and Grandma. Today, they told the social worker thank you for bringing you into our lives and how much they love you. You fell asleep just as we went into court. Mommy cried as the lawyer asked if I was willing and able to be your mom and if I would take care of you. I could not ask for a better job in this lifetime than to be your Mommy. Daddy is a very proud Daddy. He also could not ask for a better job than to raise you and be your Daddy.
We also want to thank your birthmom, R, who gave us this fabulous opportunity. Without her we would not have you. She is a beautiful woman, Sam. A woman who made me a Mommy and your Dad a Daddy. She is unselfish and I hope one day you can meet her. We will teach you about her when you get older. You will know how much she loves you. She is my hero. I thank her daily for you. I especially thank her today.
I also know that today Cole and Cate were there in spirit. I know they were happy as the judge declared us as a forever family.
May you always know how much we love you. May you also know how loved you are by many people. You are loved beyond words and today was the third best day of our lives. We can't wait to see what the future holds for you and watch you grow knowing that you as of today you are ours forever.
All my our love Samuel,
Mommy and Daddy

Six months

2010-03-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Samuel,
Yesterday, you turned six months old! I can't believe you are half way to a year old.

Look how big you are!

Ouchie!


The aftermath

What difference six months makes!

2010-03-08T14:53:00.001-07:00

8 days old. 1st Doctor's appointment after leaving the NICU.

3-08-2010 6 month appointment

Happy 6 month Birthday, Sam! It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home at 5 lbs 3 ozs and today you are 16 lbs. We love you little man!

Walking with Isla and Rakelle

2010-03-06T10:41:00.004-07:00

Our first walk with Isla was a blast for both Sam and me. Sam loved being outside as always and Isla makes me smile. I hope this is a weekly walk.

I love this little boy!

2010-03-05T21:08:00.002-07:00

So missing you babies! Love, Mommy

2010-03-04T21:28:00.002-07:00

Memorial Service for Cole and Cate

I want to thank everyone for coming today. It means a lot to James and I!

When we were in the hospital shortly after Cate was born our nurse said, “she knew we would make it through this because she has seen the support of our families” and I know without a shadow of doubt that we are were we are because of all of you. So thank you!

Thank you for all your prayers, calls, your visits, letters and emails. Thank you for bring me frosties, flowers to brighten my hospital room, for bringing DVDs to pass the time, for painting my nails and doing my hair. For bringing James and I dinner. Thank you for cleaning our house, walking our dogs, for dropping kids with their Dad, coming down to the hospital and crawling in my bed and holding me, for bringing knitting supplies and for handing me tissues when the tears would not stop. Thank you for calling James and checking to see how he was doing. Thank you for all your hugs, support, and love through this. We are lucky to have such a great family.

When Bobby and I were talking about doing this part of the conversation was about how in heaven we chose the family we would come to and I have to say I am very glad I picked ours. I often tell James if we needed a brick moved and our family knew, everyone would show up to help. And they would bring dinner. Very lucky indeed!

A special thank you goes out to my Mom and Dad. And Mary Jane and Joe. It was you who we called in the middle of the night when things went horribly wrong. It was you who held our hands and mended our broken hearts. It was you who told us upgraded my name from Drama Queen to Warrior Princess. It was you I yelled at when the stress and reality hit me and who showed unconditional love. It was you who held my hand on the way to my D and C. Thank you!

And one more thank you to my dear husband. It is you who I want to grow old with. It is you whose words calmed my soul, who kissed my forehead and said we will make it though this because we have each other. It is you held Cole and Cate in your arms and said they were prefect. It you who held me tight when I broke down in the halls of Saint Marks, who gave wheelchair rides and turned off my light at night. It is you who I will love until God takes me to heaven. In case any of you did not know I have the best husband this girl could ask for and Cole and Cate have the best daddy! Thank you, honey!

To our little Cole and Cate. We love you! We hope you looking down from heaven and watching over us today. Do you see all these people who are here who love you and miss you? We know you are in a better place up there with God and all those who have passed on and I am sure you are being spoiled rotten. Please watch over us sweet little ones. Thank you for letting be your Mommy!

I will end with part of this poem that has great meaning to me:
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
Please don’t cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings us lullabies.
When the balloons are released. The blue one is for Cole Henry our little boy who melted my heart the first time I held him. He had long legs that he got from his Daddy and my chin. The pink one for our little girl ,Cate, who was a fighter until the end, who was my mover and my precious baby girl. The white ones for all the angels who have left us too soon, too many to name but who have a special spot in our hearts. We honor your lives along with Cole and Cate’s. We love you Cole and Cate. May you know how much? Until we meet again sweet little one!

Thanks again for coming. We love you all very much!

one more

2010-03-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

Picture of my little love!

2010-03-04T21:11:00.002-07:00

March 27 and April 11, 2010 will be 1 year...

2010-03-04T21:02:00.005-07:00

since Cole and Cate left us. I wrote this for our Share Walk in October. Tonight, I am sad to be planning their anniversaries so I thought I would post our Share Walk letter.

Dear Cole and Cate,

Today, my little ones, we are walking in remembrance of all the little babies who have left this world too soon. And today, my dear babies, I miss you more than words can convey. I cannot believe it has been six months since I held you. Six months since I kissed you hands and counted your toes. Six months since I gave birth to you and you were placed in my arms… so little and silent. In those six months, Cole and Cate, I have grown to understand why you left us. I have learned that I can handle more than I thought I could. I have learned your little lives will continue on and your story will never be forgotten. I have learned that God does hear prayers. I have learned that friends that who have also lost their little ones have been my lifelines when the hurt of a broken heart sends me to the ground. I have learned that I do have guardian angles that watch over me daily. I have learned that Sam is here because of that. I have learned that Daddy and I are one awesome team. I have learned to more appreciative and less critical. I have learned that love continues on. I have learned to live without you. In those first months I did not know how to live but today do. I have learned my heart will never be whole again but it is healing. I have learned the true meaning of having a grateful heart. I will always miss you, love you, and ache to hold you but I have learned that one day we will meet again.

I will walk today with you on my mind and forever in my heart. Today, I will tell your story to those who have not met you. Today I will release a pink balloon for you Cate and a blue one for you, Cole. Today, Daddy and I will walk with all the other Mommies and Daddies who are missing their babies so please help us all to be courageous.

Above all know how much we love you! Kisses and loves my little ones! Thanks for continuing to watch over us!

Always and forever,

Mommy

Thanks Susanne for the photo...

2009-12-20T23:28:00.002-07:00

All is quiet...

2009-12-20T23:06:00.003-07:00

Dear Cole and Cate,
The house is quiet. Sam, Daddy, Ry and Murphy are all fast asleep and here I am thinking of you both. You both have been on my mind all week as I make last minute purchases for stockings and cleaning the house for the party. I hope you know how much I wish you were here to share in the celebrations. You are in spirit and I feel that. I felt that when I put your stars on the tree and when my dear friend, Susanne, brought me a beautiful silver star ornament tonight. I feel you when we put up stockings. I feel you when we put lights on your tree. Or made cards with your beautiful rose on them. You are here. I am will be forever grateful you have not left me. I am grateful that in spirit you will celebrate Christmas with us this year. Please continue to be here. I still need you to be close.
Kiss Mr Russo, Little Grandma, Mrs Russo and Grandpa Mel. Kiss Jaxson.
I love and miss you! Angel kisses my sweet little loves!
Until we meet again,
Mommy

A litle late but Happy 3 Months, Sam!

2009-12-16T19:45:00.002-07:00

Merry Christmas

2009-12-11T11:12:00.001-07:00

Park City

2009-12-06T20:05:00.003-07:00

We had a fabulous time on our walk in Park City with J's parents and the dogs. Sam smiled the whole way and loved being outside. It was a glorious day for all!

2 month photos

2009-11-26T14:16:00.002-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving Sam!

2009-11-26T13:15:00.004-07:00

Dear Sam,
I am in tears as I watch you sleep on this Thanksgiving Day. I am so thankful for you. I am thankful for the smiles you give and the laughter you bring into our lives. I am thankful that you are ours! I am thankful that you are healthy. I am thankful to be your Mommy! You learning to giggle, which melts my heart. You love to kick and jump. Your Captain thinks you will be talking before you are crawling as you chatter non stop. You love your Daddy and light up after he has been at work in his office all day. You still only sleep 20 minutes during the day but sleep great at night. You love to go, just like your Mommy. You love to be outside and smile the whole time. You are figuring out your hands. You are my dream come true and today as with everyday I am very thankful for you.
You are my joy and melt my heart! Happy First Thanksgiving my little man. May you always know how much we love you!
Love and kisses,
Mommy

Too cute for words!

2009-11-11T12:37:00.002-07:00

More to come...

SHARE Walk

2009-10-20T20:13:00.005-06:00

Dear Cole and Cate,
We along with Grandma and Grandpa walked with Share on Saturday with other Mommies and Daddies who have lost little ones way too soon. We miss you both very much and I can not believe you have been gone six months. It seems like just yesterday I held you, kissed your head, and counted your toes. On our walk we release balloons with your names, and a little letter. We talked to other parents who miss their babies, and we remembered. We remembered your sweet faces. We remember how prefect yet silent you were. We remembered how long your legs were and your tiny long fingers. We remember, Cole and Cate. And we will never forget. We also know you are not alone up there in Heaven look at all the balloons released. We hope you are having fun up there in Heaven. We will continue to tell your story down here as we wait to meet you again.
We love you forever and ever,
Mommy and Daddy

So this is love!

2009-10-06T14:19:00.003-06:00

I love you little Sam!