Happy 4 month Angel Day, Cole!

My dearest Cole,
I can not believe it has been 16 long weeks since I held you and kissed your little face as you left to be with Jesus. I can not believe it has been 16 weeks since your Daddy held you and loved on you. Grandparents counted your toes and fingers. Daddy kissed your little hands. And then you left us to be an angel.
We are trying to strong, Cole, but our hearts break daily that you are not here. We do know you are with God and He is singing you lullabies.
Please send strength to Mommy. Hope for Daddy. Love for both of us as we struggle to make it through this day.
I made blueberry pancakes this morning for Daddy for breakfast. I hope you can see the mess I made. I know you would laugh! It is a disaster! It is a good thing we have a dishwasher.
Your tree has a lot of new buds. It looks like it might bloom in the next few days. Also the Peace Rose is ready to re bloom for the third time. Thanks for the all blooms, Cole. It sure brings us a lot of smiles to our faces!
We are off to walk your big brothers as soon as Daddy gets off his conference call.
Happy Angel Day, my little buddy. We will celebrate you today with you on our hearts, in our minds and always full of love for you, Cole.
I better go start cleaning of the mess I made.
We love you with every fiber of our hearts!
Until we meet again,
Mommy and Daddy

48 things

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not really.

2. Your Favorite Shoes? My flip flops, easy to put on, easy to take off... as you know I hate wearing shoes!

3. Do you own a gun? No.

4. Your favorite song? Littlest Angels

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Now yes!

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I have a love hate relationship... I love them, they hate me.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Coke... I know bad!

9. Can you do push ups? A few.

10. Are you afraid of flying? Yes!

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring and Cole and Cate's bracelet.

12. Favorite hobby? Running, baking, hiking, and swimming... can't chose just one!

13. Animals: love them or hate them? Love them!

14. Do you have ADD? Oh yeah!

15. What do you hate about yourself? Lack of motivation

16. What is your middle name? I don't have one.

17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment: 1. I need to get off my butt and go sand the door. 2. These are a lot of questions! 3. Who actually reads my blog? 4. I wonder how J is playing in his golf tournament

18. What's your favorite number? 2

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? 1. Diet Coke 2. Water 3. Milk

20. Current worry right now? Will a birthmother pick us and how soon?

21. Current hate right now? The unknown of the adoption situation.

22. Favorite place to be? Hiking Millcreek with J and the boys.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? We were at a party!

24. Where would you like to go? Anywhere with a beach, sand, and drinks with umbrellas!

25. Name three people who will complete this? I so don't care.

26. Do you own slippers? Nope.

27. What shirt are you wearing? Blue tee shirt

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope. I am a cotton only kind of girl.

29. Can you whistle? Yes

30. Favorite color? Red, of course!

31. Would you be a pirate? Not anymore.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.

33. Favorite girl's name? Cate Alexandrea, of course! 2: Scarlet Nicole

34. Favorite boy's name? Cole Henry, of course! Second: Grayson James

35. What's in your pocket right now? Poop bag. I just got home from the dog park.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Murphy running and swimming with three other black labs

37. Best bed sheets as a child? I have no idea

38. Worst injury you've ever had? Falling off a water tube and hitting my face on a rock! OUCH!

39. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4

40. Who is your loudest friend? We are all loud and giggly.

41. How many dogs do you have? Just two for now.

42. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. I should go ask J.

43. Favorite Book? Oh there is a huge list! I always have my nose in a book!

44. Partying hard or Laying low? Both, depends on the day. Seems more laying low these days though.

45. What is your favorite candy? Kit Kat

46. Favorite Sports team? The Mets! Thanks to Tyson!

47.What were you doing 12 AM last night? Asleep. :)

48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Where is J? Then I remembered he was golfing. Silly me! It is the weekend and that is where he always is.

This speaks to my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2APLVytIGU

My dearest angels,
Mommy and Daddy love you. Please watch over us tonight. Mommy's heart is heavy with tears and sadness. Please let Mommy know you are here in spirit. I need you both. And there is not a day I do not think about you and hope you are playing up in heaven with all other babies who were taken too soon. Please kiss baby Grace, Will, Nate, Emery, Mikelle, Scarlett,McKenzie Lee, Peanut, Zoe,Lucianna, Johnny, Ericka and all other babies who have left their Mommies and Daddies too soon.
Love you babies,
Mommy

I miss being pregnant

I miss my babies. I miss my belly. I miss my Cole and Cate. Today is a sad day.

This speaks what my heart feels...

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Please know they exist. Ask about them. They were here. My Cate and Cole were alive. They are little souls who need to remembered. When I cry it is because my heart is still broken. No, I am not over it. No, I don't expected you to get it and I pray you never will. This road is not one I want you on. But I am on this road and so is J. Do not expect that in a lifetime I will get over it. Until you can bring back my babies there is no getting over it. The healing takes a lifetime.

Brotherly love

This photo was taken in February 2009.

This photo was taken today.
Awe, brotherly love.
Notice the sock? Murphy sleeps with one sometimes two socks.
Makes me heart smile on days like today when my heart is full of missing the babies.

JJ

J always piles my stuff so I don't leave anything behind. Today, he piled it before he left for golf. Notice how my phone is charging? He does that for me, too. I love this man. He keeps me on top of it all.

Peace Rose

I planted this rose in the honor of the babies. I can not believe how stunning it is. It brings a smile to my face on a daily basis.

Letter

Dear Cate and Cate,
Twelve long weeks have passed since our you, Cate, were held, kissed, and loved on. And Cole, you have been gone 14 weeks and today I am really missing you both. My heart aches to hold you. My heart aches to show you what I have waited so long to show you. I miss you.
I always wanted to make cupcakes with you both so today I made cupcakes with you on my mind. Mommy really needs to work on the drizzling part! I am going to a cupcake class next Saturday. Maybe they will teach Mommy how to do that. I hope so.
Cole, you would have been so proud of me. I went to my golf class and I hit the ball! Daddy was thrilled! Maybe when I get to heaven we all can play so kept practicing.
Cate, the flowers in the garden are blooming and are beautiful! I hope you can see them from heaven. Every time I am out in the garden there I think of you.
Sweet babies, please know how much I love you. Please watch over us this week. It is going to be a hard week for us. You both are never far from our minds.
Sending you angel kisses,
Mommy

Survivor

I am a survivor. I am.
If you are healing from the loss of a child and you get out of bed in the morning,

You are doing well.

If you healing from the loss of a child and you hold down a job,
You are amazing.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and and you are still remotely pleasant to others,
You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and you cannot always be there for a friend,
You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.


If you are healing from the loss of a child and you cry daily or have nightmares,
You are normal.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and seeing happy, healthy pregnant women makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse,
Join the club

If you are healing from the loss of a child and think that what happened was your fault,
you are wrong, but you are not alone.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and feel like your significant other truly understands and is 100% supportive,
He or she is rare and a keeper.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and you have a good support system,
It will help A LOT.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and feel painfully alone and isolated,
Please know that there are thousands of people healing with you in spirit.

If you are healing from the loss of a child but still looking to the future,
you are a survivor.

Anger

Two other Mommies lost their babies. One at 37 weeks, twin girls and one at 20 weeks also a girl. My heart is very heavy with emotion for them. Only we who have lost a baby get it. I get it. I wish I did not have to get it. This road of getting it is getting more difficult as the summer months pass on. We were told make it until the 4th of July the babies will be in the safe zone. Fuck, there is no "safe zone". I am very angry today. Angry that another Mom has to go on this road. Anger that I am a mommy with babies not here. Angry that while others get prefect ultrasounds I get one that said my son is in the in the birth canal and there is nothing we can do but deliver him. Deliver him way too soon at 17 weeks. God, I am so angry. Do you hear my grief, God? Do you know that I am angry at you? Do you see the tears that run down my face when the day is long and I am missing my babies? Do you hear my pleads? Is there hope that a little one will be running around here someday? God don't you see you took my babies and I don't know how to cope anymore? I was doing well and now I am so very angry. So angry today. Angry at the world. Angry when I saw a sign that read pregnant,hungry and homeless. Why God? Why does she get to keep her baby and I don't? I hate this summer. I fucking hate it. I am trying to be strong but I hate it. I hate and I am angry. Now I am going to go buy a deep cleaning vacuum because Murphy has thrown up three times this morning. This is going to be a long day.

Ryley and Murphy's new pool

No, our dogs are not spoiled. :)

JUST SAY - " I'M SORRY"

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL- PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU DO
THERE'S JUST ONE WAY TO K NOW- HAVE YOU LOST A CHILD TOO?
"YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD"- MUST I HEAR THIS EVERYDAY?
CAN I GET ANOTHER PARENT TOO- IF MINE SHOULD PASS AWAY?
"DON'T SAY IT WAS GOD'S WILL"- THAT'S NOT THE GOD I KNOW
WOULD GOD ON PURPOSE BREAK MY HEART- THEN WATCH AS MY TEARS FLOW?
"YOU HAVE AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN- A PRECIOUS CHILD ABOVE"
BUT TELL ME, WHO HERE ON EARTH SHALL I GIVE THIS LOVE?
"AREN'T YOU BETTER YET"- IS THAT WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY?
NO A PART OF MY HEART ACHES- I'LL ALWAYS FEEL SOME PAIN
YOU THINK THAT SILENCE IS KIND; BUT IT HURTS ME EVEN MORE
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY CHILD WHO HAS GONE THROUGH DEATH'S DOOR
DON'T SAY THESE THINGS TO ME, ATHOUGH YOU MEAN WELL
THEY DO NOT TAKE MY PAIN AWAY, I MUST GO THROUGH THIS HELL
I WILL GET BETTER, SLOW BUT SURE AND IT HELPS TO HAVE YOU NEAR
BUT A SIMPLE "I'M SORRY YOU LOST YOUR CHILD" IS ALL I NEED TO HEAR

I am

I am a Mommy to Jaxson ( Mommy misses you sweet boy)

I am a Mommy to Murphy

I am a Mommy to Ryley


I am a Mommy to Cate

I am a Mommy to Cole

I am a Mommy in waiting.