5 months tomorrow

Five long months since I held my precious little boy. Five long months since I counted his ten prefect tiny toes. Five long months since I kissed his bald little head and told him how much we love him. In those five months I have learned that I am stronger that I ever thought I would be. I have learned that I love my husband more that I ever thought possible. I have learned friends you have never met will lift you up in your darkest days and I will always be indebted to them for that. I have learned to hope. I have relearned to smile and laugh. I have learned that love runs deeper in my veins. I have learned my shattered heart will never be put back together but it is healing. I have learned my little boy has changed my life and I so grateful to called his Mommy. I have learned flowers bloom when they are not suppose to and I thank Cole for that. I have learned joy is possible. I have learned Cole has more of an impact in his short life than I will ever make in mine. I love you, baby Cole.

If you have a minute send angel kisses to my little boy whom I miss everyday.

Fun day!

We packed up the boys on Satuday morning and went to Smith and Moorehouse for the day. We packed a picnic lunch, James & I played Frisbee, and relaxed. Murphy swam with me. Ryley played on the shoreline with Daddy. It was a needed day by all of us.

Mud baths for the boys

Ryley relaxed on his towel

The boys' begged from Daddy

We swam a little more

And played with new toys

Our friend James Knight told us this was his favorite snack food (thanks James) so James had to try it.

Yelled at toys

.

And slept all the way home!

What a glorious day for all!

Another sweet angel

has joined Cate and Cole in heaven. Haliegh Mae was born still at 24 weeks after her Mommy went through an induction. My heart breaks for her and her husband. The memories of Cate's induction are fresh in my mind and heart. I can not believe another Mommy & Daddy has to go on this road. When will it ever stop? When will there be not be a board or a support group for parents of babies who passed away too soon? If their was just a way to make it happen.
Our group lights a candle every Sunday in honor of all babies and children who passes away too soon. If you have a minute would you please light a candle today in honor of Cate, Cate, and all their angel baby friends. Also in honor their Mommies and Daddies who are missing them. Thank you!
I don't think I could go on this road without my SHARE girls, my dear angel Mommies, and you who comment on my little blog. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. I thank you from the bottom my heart.
Love,
Nicole

Today

Today I am not strong.
Today I want to curl up in my bed and stay there.
Today I the tears won't stop falling.
Today is a difficult day.
Today our neighbor announced she is expecting in February.
Today our friend announced her daughter is expecting her fourth.
Today I am asking why not us?
Today I am missing my babies (not unlike another day)
Today everyone says I am very strong to be going through this, what other choice do I have?
Today I cry in silence behind the smile.
Today I have to go a neighborhood party. I am bringing salsa and chips. I wonder if I can just send J with it.
Today I have to see babies.
Today I wish it was next year but then again what is going to be so great about next year?
Today I hope someone remembers to mention our babies at the party.
Today I hate.
Today I am angry.
Today I am sad.
Today I wish.

Tomorrow might be better.

Plug for my sister-in-law!

Check out Andrea's cute baby hangers! http://hanghersandhis.blogspot.com/

So very adorable.

Graditude and Latitude

It's the ebb and flow of gratitude and latitude that that gets us through everyday. Always be grateful but don't be ashamed to admit the latitude.

I fell upon this blog tonight, http://whenoctoberfalls.blogspot.com/, and thought the Lord works in my life in ways I would never have thought. She wrote of gratitude and latitude. I have so much to grateful for and often I forget how blessed I really am. I wallow in the sorrow of losing Cole and Cate, the unfairness of the IVF, and the anger of all the women who can get pregnant who do not realize how blessed they are. Tonight, thanks to the said blog, is my short list of gratitude and latitudes.

1. A husband who blesses my life on a daily basis.
2. Cole and Cate
   
3. Friends whom I have met that are on this horrible road with me. They make me laugh, smile, pray for us, and let me cry when the hurt consumes my soul.
   
4. Andrea and Tyson, the best brother and sister-in-law this girl could ask for
   
5. Rakelle, who calls and goes to lunch with me just to check up on how we are doing.
   
6. Mom, Dad and fabulous in-laws
7. J's job with health care benefits
8. My boys
   
9. My home and my garden, which makes me smile
10. My faith
11. Ice cream
12. A good night's sleep, which is rare but oh so grateful
    
13. Chicago
    

Latitude

1. Give me latitude when the grief causes me to be so very angry.
2. Give me latitude when the answers are not as fast as I want them.
3. Give me latitude when I am so impatient with the process of adoption
   
4. Give me latitude when I don't want to hear about how your baby is kicking you at night and you can't get to sleep.
   
5. Give me latitude when I cry alligator tears
6. Give me latitude when my heart hurts as our due date approaches
   

16 weeks ago

Dear Cate,
Sixteen weeks ago I gave birth to you, my precious little fighter. We know you fought as long as you could and we thank you for the extra two weeks we had with you. You are in our thoughts today, Cate, as we celebrate your short life and the impact that you have made. You have touched a lot of lives as I share you story with strangers who have become Mommy's friends. You have reached places that I could not ever hope to in my lifetime and you reached them in your short little life here with us. We are blessed beyond measure to have you as our daughter.
We have learned how to laugh again, Cate. It took Daddy and I a long time but we laugh now. We laughed a lot on our trip to Chicago. We laughed when the beluga whale spat water at Daddy, we laughed at silly dolphins playing with their toys, and we laughed when we saw how little our hands are compared to the gorillas. Daddy and I needed a vacation together to reconnect and we did. We laughed, we cried, we hoped and we smiled. We thank you for the love that we felt from you and Cole.
We miss you beyond measure and look forward to the day that we can hold you in our arms when you welcome us home. Please continue to send laughter, smiles and hope down to your Mommy and Daddy. Please also continue to watch over us from above. We turned in our final adoption book today, Cate, our final piece of our adoption paperwork. We hope that you will help us keep our hearts open for what is to come. We know you will make a great big sister!
I love you sweet baby girl!
Until we meet again,
Mommy

We are back from Chicago!

We had a blast! I will blog about it later after I edit the photos, all 400 of them!

Peace Rose

The babies' rose bloomed again and another bud might pop this week. This makes me smile! Thanks Cole and Cate for sending smiles to Mommy!