We passed!

We are approved for adoption! She said we were the most fun couple she has interviewed in a long time and that she can not wait to come back when there is a baby in our arms. That melted my heart! A crying baby in our house, what a new concept that is for my head to wrap around. The average wait time is three to six months. Six months for a crying baby my heart can't wait!
We told her about Cole and Cate. She will put their names in the report so that birth mom knows her child and her will have angels looking over them. Another concept which I loved! We laughed at Murphy when he kept bringing her all his toys out of his toy box. We answered all the difficult questions she asked. We giggled when she asked us about our childhood memories. We cried when she told us that she can't wait to see us as earth parents. Earth parents, now that is a concept I really love!
Please continue to pray for us. We know that God hears all the prayers on our behalf. We feel it on a daily basis. Please pray that the birth mom will choose us to raise her baby. And please pray my so very impatient heart can be patient. I keep having dreams that it is a little boy, Grayson James. I wonder if it will be.

Homestudy today..

I am sitting here waiting for the social worker to come for our appointment. My knees are shaking, my heart is pounding, and my head is spinning! What will she ask us? Will the dogs behave? Will she think we are a good stable couple for this? What about the house? Will it pass? We bought a fire extinguisher, our smoke alarms work, the cleaning supplies are put up high, and the house is clean. All the what ifs, all the could have been, all the should have been, all the highs, all the lows...
well, she is here. The dogs are barking, James is frantic and here I go.....

Today

There is a girl who is on my Miscarriage/Infant Loss Board who is being induced as her little one at 20 weeks passed away. My heart is breaking for her. It is so vivid in my mind the night of Cate's induction. The smells of the room, the utter silence in the room as Cate was born, the alligator tears falling from J's face, the heartbreak of seeing her so little yet prefect... my heart hurts for her and her husband today. If you have a minute send angels kisses to her baby and pray for peace for Mommy and Daddy.
Today, I am missing my babies. Today, I wish I would hold Cole one more time. Today, I wish I could kiss Cate on her little tiny head. Today, I wish I could run and get them and bring them back. Today, I wish I could hear them cry. Today, my heart hurts. Today, I wish I could hide under the covers. Today, I miss my Cole and Cate.

This is worth fighting for...

This is why I wake up in the morning. This is why I am who I am. This is why I breathe everyday. This is worth fighting for.
Thanks for getting it. I would not be the same person if you were not in my life. Thanks for being the best husband this girl could ask for. I love you, JJ. I love you with every fiber in my heart.
Love always sweetheart,
Wife

Father's Day

Dear Cole and Cate,
It is Father's Day today. A day we should be celebrating with you in my belly but God took you to be with Him. So today as other Daddies celebrate with their children here with them we remember and miss you. Your daddy is one of the best men and it is an honor to be married to him. He makes me laugh, holds me when I miss you so much my heart hurts, and loves me more than I sometimes deserve. He is my hero, my best friend, and my greatest cheerleader.
When you were born Cole he said he wanted to take you golfing. Maybe there will be a golf course in heaven for you to play when God takes him home. Cate, he was thrilled to have a little girl.. Daddy's little girl. He loves his babies. We bought him a ring with your names inscribed on the inside. He wears it everyday. So babies as we celebrate Father's Day today with you on our mind. Watch over Daddy! Please know how much he loves you! I hope you know how much I love your Daddy, too!
Until we meet again sweet little ones,
Mommy
PS Your tree has lots of blooms on it. I hope you can see it from Heaven.

Race

I entered to run a 10k on September 5, 2009, our due date. I emailed girls I know who do not have their babies here in arms and are suffering with broken hearts. Each day I train (everyday but Saturday) I dedicate a training run to them. My ultimate goal is to get two angels or more for each mile of the race. If anyone knows of a Mommy who has an angel, will you comment and let me know their story? I will add all the angels names to my race bid.
My feet will run, my heart will be heavy but I will be running for angels. For mine and I hope for other Mommies.

Photos of our our beautiful Mandevilla

Babies Tree June

Weekend

This weekend, thanks to Connee and Lynn, we stayed in Park City and...
* we belly laughed all the way down the Roller Coaster... I can't remember the last time we laughed that hard
* we smiled
* we ate wonderful sushi at Blind Dog
* we listen and danced with the a ton of people as a band played to celebrate Park City 125th year old birthday
* we remembered and cried over the babies death
* we lit a candle and prayed at Saint Mary's Catholic Church
* we hiked
* we found really fat worms!
* we relaxed
* we watched five baby cows chase each other
* we giggled
* we watched huge white puffy clouds pass over the mountain
* we sat in a hot tub while raindrops fell
* we bought a photo that reminded us of our babies ( I will post it when I get it framed)
* we wished upon one star
* we ate pancakes the size of the plate
But most of all, we felt peace while sitting in Saint Mary Catholic Church. Peace. A word I never thought I would feel, not now, not anytime soon... but yes, I as stood in that beautiful church with my darling husband while watching cows in the pasture I felt peace! Peace that our babies are with God. Peace that we are being watched over. Peace that we are going to make it. Peace that somehow someway we are going to be earth parents and just not to dogs! Peace that I will hear our baby cry, peace that we will tuck it into bed at night, peace that bedtime stories will be heard and peace for our little family will have little feet running around. Peace.
Awe! Peace! I still miss my babies but awe peace. It is a very good thing.
Thanks Connee and Lynn! We can not tell you how much we needed this weekend. Thank you!

This sums up the pain...

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,,,,
for there is no word to describe this pain.

~Sukie Miller~

Cate Alexandrea

Cate was born two months ago tomorrow, April 11, 2009. She was born at Saint Mark's weighing 7.9 ozs and 8 1/4 inches long. I can't believe our sweet little baby girl has been gone two months. It just seems like yesterday that I held her and kissed her fat little feet. I miss her morning heart beat checks and hearing that wonderful sound of a beating heart. I miss her bum shots when the Doctor came in to check her on ultrasounds. I miss her moving. I miss her.
When we were told we were having a little girl my heart grew by a mile. How lucky could one family get to have a little boy and a little girl? It was a dream. My dream of bows, pink tutus, ballet slippers, and dolls. Along with Cole's trucks, bugs, and love of dirt. A dream for sure.
My dearest Cate,
I hope you know how much I wanted and loved you. I am very proud of you for fighting as long as you could. I know you fought very hard to stay with us. Thank you for those two precious weeks with you. Thank you for letting be your Mommy. It is a honor and one I hold very close to my heart. Please along with Cole watch over us. I miss you sweet baby girl. And Daddy does, too. Just yesterday your name passed over his lips. He misses his baby girl.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

The Raw Truth by Amy Roberts

The Raw Truth About Miscarriage by Amy Roberts

A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.

Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.

When you become pregnant you enter a big club for women. Its a subculture. You are accepted into the club with open arms. But when you loose the baby youare no longer a part of this club and you can no longer "fit right back in" to where you were before you were pregnant. You are in limbo. There's no where to go.

At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."

One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)

One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."

Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?

One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.

It's enough to drive you insane.

And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.

You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.

When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.

The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.

You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept.

The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. Other people around her have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing. And you will be amzed at what a little thing does to help. Such loving and kind words at a time of loss has the most profound feelings of healing and acceptance. Its the difference between "not knowing how to get through this" and "gee maybe I can get through this after all." Thats the power that supportvie actions have on a woman who has just had a miscarriage.

Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;

Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:

Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.

Don't Avoid her. She may feel totally rejected. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a womens issue.

Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself. She doesn't need "cheering up" she needs love and to talk about whats happened.

Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so. It will feel like you are shutting out her deep feelings of sadness.

Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem, she wanted her new one just as much as she wanted the others. Each child is unique.

Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether it took her five minutes or five years to conceive she's still experienced a huge loss that has profoundly changed her life. She is now a different person.

The best thing that you can do is:

Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.

Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.

Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."

Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.

Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.

Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.

Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.

Treat her miscarriage like you would the death of a loved one in her family- because the baby was a loved one who has indeed died.

And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.

Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again. Just a gentle support, a loving message, a phone call to say hi will be appreciated in ways she may not be able to express. Never underestimate how good your love can be.

Lyrics

Where I Used To Have A Heart lyrics

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

There were times when I would hold you
And feel the pounding in my chest
Now I'm just as empty
As a canyon way out west
That's how deep I loved you
And babe, I love you still
To the bottom of this place I'll never fill

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart

I guess I'll learn to live with
A different kind of pain
I'm suffering from a sickness
That I cannot give a name
Such a strange sensation
I've never felt before
Missing you has cut me to the core

Where I used to have a heart
Feels like a mile wide ditch
I got a hole inside
The doctor just can't stitch
Gone without a trace
You left a hollow place
There's not a stone to mark
Where I used to have a heart
Where I used to have a heart

Missing these today

Cole's feet and handprints
Cate's fat little feet

Simple things

My friend Linda (she miscarried 9 times, with one success) and I were walking this morning with our dogs at the park and she said that sometimes it is the simple things that get you through after a loss. So today I thought I would make a list to remind me of simple things that make me smile when the road, this horrendous bumpy trying road, of loss is too hard to bear even for a minute more.
• Fresh tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and balsamic
• Watching Murphy swim after a tennis ball
• Snuggling with Ry on the floor
• Sitting outside with James eating dinner
• Flowers blooming
• Fresh cut flowers in a vase
• A email to say “we are thinking about you today”
• Pictures that Kellie and Andrea took at the Memorial
• Slobbery kisses graciously given by Murphy
• The babies’ tree budding with new flowers
• Reading a good book while listening to the thunder and the rain
• Sitting on our new bench watching the dogs play chase each other around the yard
• A 200 yard drive at the golf range
• Putting with James and the bets we make
• The SHARE girls
• Sonic ice
• Nightly walks as a family