Thanks Susanne for the photo...

All is quiet...

Dear Cole and Cate,
The house is quiet. Sam, Daddy, Ry and Murphy are all fast asleep and here I am thinking of you both. You both have been on my mind all week as I make last minute purchases for stockings and cleaning the house for the party. I hope you know how much I wish you were here to share in the celebrations. You are in spirit and I feel that. I felt that when I put your stars on the tree and when my dear friend, Susanne, brought me a beautiful silver star ornament tonight. I feel you when we put up stockings. I feel you when we put lights on your tree. Or made cards with your beautiful rose on them. You are here. I am will be forever grateful you have not left me. I am grateful that in spirit you will celebrate Christmas with us this year. Please continue to be here. I still need you to be close.
Kiss Mr Russo, Little Grandma, Mrs Russo and Grandpa Mel. Kiss Jaxson.
I love and miss you! Angel kisses my sweet little loves!
Until we meet again,
Mommy

A litle late but Happy 3 Months, Sam!

Merry Christmas

Park City

We had a fabulous time on our walk in Park City with J's parents and the dogs. Sam smiled the whole way and loved being outside. It was a glorious day for all!

2 month photos

Happy Thanksgiving Sam!

Dear Sam,
I am in tears as I watch you sleep on this Thanksgiving Day. I am so thankful for you. I am thankful for the smiles you give and the laughter you bring into our lives. I am thankful that you are ours! I am thankful that you are healthy. I am thankful to be your Mommy! You learning to giggle, which melts my heart. You love to kick and jump. Your Captain thinks you will be talking before you are crawling as you chatter non stop. You love your Daddy and light up after he has been at work in his office all day. You still only sleep 20 minutes during the day but sleep great at night. You love to go, just like your Mommy. You love to be outside and smile the whole time. You are figuring out your hands. You are my dream come true and today as with everyday I am very thankful for you.
You are my joy and melt my heart! Happy First Thanksgiving my little man. May you always know how much we love you!
Love and kisses,
Mommy

Too cute for words!

More to come...

SHARE Walk

Dear Cole and Cate,
We along with Grandma and Grandpa walked with Share on Saturday with other Mommies and Daddies who have lost little ones way too soon. We miss you both very much and I can not believe you have been gone six months. It seems like just yesterday I held you, kissed your head, and counted your toes. On our walk we release balloons with your names, and a little letter. We talked to other parents who miss their babies, and we remembered. We remembered your sweet faces. We remember how prefect yet silent you were. We remembered how long your legs were and your tiny long fingers. We remember, Cole and Cate. And we will never forget. We also know you are not alone up there in Heaven look at all the balloons released. We hope you are having fun up there in Heaven. We will continue to tell your story down here as we wait to meet you again.
We love you forever and ever,
Mommy and Daddy

So this is love!

I love you little Sam!

Many faces of Sam

2 weeks

Dear Sam,
My sweet little man you have blessed our lives in ways you will never know. I can not believe that it will be two weeks tomorrow since we held you in the NICU.
Two weeks since I held you and cried tears of joy that you were alive and breathing. Two weeks ago that you blessed our lives. Two weeks ago I became your Mommy. To say the least I am head over heels in love with you. Sam we waited a very long time for you and we thank you for allowing us to be your parents.
You are asleep right now in your cradle and tears of happiness flow from my eyes this morning. I am just so in love with you! Your little cheeks are getting chunkier, your belly is round and your nails are getting long. Your umbilical cord fell off this morning. You are eating 2 oz every two hours and hate your diaper to be wet. You are Mommy's Boy and Daddy's little man. And today, we will celebrate your birth two weeks ago and thank your birth mom for allowing us to raise you. We are so honored, Sam.
You are waking up so I will go feed you, my little love.
I love you today and forever,
Mommy

Photos

Here are a few photos of Sam. :) We are happily back in Utah after catching the last flight out of Long Beach. We are happily exhausted, completly in love, and utterly blessed. I will post our week later this weekend but for now enjoy our new little budle of joy... our son... Sam!

Sam

We love you, Sam!

Private

We have made the decision to go private with this blog with the recent addition of Sam to our family. Please email me or comment and I will send you an invite for your viewing pleasure! :)

All our love,
Nicole, James, Cole, Cate and Sam

5 Months ago

Dear Cate,
My dear little girl today you have been gone for five long months. Five months since I loved on you. I miss you everyday... actually every minute. I am so thankful to you. You made me a better person and I pray I will make you proud of me.
I am sure by now you have met Mr Russo as he passed away today at 5:15 pm. Cate, please listen to his stories and jokes. He will make you laugh and smile. He will tell you about me, your uncle, your Grandma and Grandpa. He is one of my heroes. Kiss him for me. We were not able to tell him good bye as we are here in California... too far away at this sad time. Please tell him about Sam. Tell him how you sent Sam down to Mommy and Daddy.
You are a great big sister to Sam. Please continue to watch over him. Kiss Cole for me.
I love you today and forever,
Mommy

We are so in love!

Dear Sam,
Have I told you how much I love you? Have I told you have blessed I am to have you in my life? Have I told you you have changed my life?  Have I told you I love being your Mommy? Have I told you how much you make me smile?  Have I told you how you rock my world?   I am telling you now and will continue to tell you until the end of my day.
I love you Son,
Mommy

September 9, 2009

Dear Cole and Cate,
Today your little brother, Samuel Alexander, was officially our son. The TPR was signed at 11:55 am.  Today, Cole and Cate, I want to thank you for sending him to us. Thank your watching over Mommy, Daddy, baby Sam, and Sam' birthmom, R.
We are so in love with Sam. I held him today for the first time and told him about you both.  It seems just like yesterday I was saying hello and good bye to you at the same time.  I told him Cole, that you have Daddy's legs and my chin. I told him that I knew you were a boy before the ultrasound tech told me. I told him that his big brother had a lot of teach him and that he would watch over you.
I talked about you, Cate, and how excited I was for a little girl and how I was going to teach you how to make cupcakes.  I told Sam how you hated your ultrasound checks and would fight the nurse every morning.  I told him you fought hard to say and how you held on for an extra two weeks.  And how much I loved those extra weeks with you.   I will continue to teach him about you both.  I love and miss you, Cole and Cate.
Please keep watch  your little brother as he has to stay in the NICU for a little while.   I am going back to the NICU to be with him with you both on my mind.
All my love,
Mommy

We need prayers!

We have been contacted by a birth mother! Please pray for her, for us, for the baby. Pray for strength, hope, and peace. Please pray that all will go as planned. Pray for us. Pray that Cole and Cate will be a big brother and sister.
Love to you all,
Nicole and James

Saturday

This Saturday was suppose to our due date. I am not sure how I am feeling about it.
That is all I have for the day.

5 months tomorrow

Five long months since I held my precious little boy. Five long months since I counted his ten prefect tiny toes. Five long months since I kissed his bald little head and told him how much we love him. In those five months I have learned that I am stronger that I ever thought I would be. I have learned that I love my husband more that I ever thought possible. I have learned friends you have never met will lift you up in your darkest days and I will always be indebted to them for that. I have learned to hope. I have relearned to smile and laugh. I have learned that love runs deeper in my veins. I have learned my shattered heart will never be put back together but it is healing. I have learned my little boy has changed my life and I so grateful to called his Mommy. I have learned flowers bloom when they are not suppose to and I thank Cole for that. I have learned joy is possible. I have learned Cole has more of an impact in his short life than I will ever make in mine. I love you, baby Cole.

If you have a minute send angel kisses to my little boy whom I miss everyday.

Fun day!

We packed up the boys on Satuday morning and went to Smith and Moorehouse for the day. We packed a picnic lunch, James & I played Frisbee, and relaxed. Murphy swam with me. Ryley played on the shoreline with Daddy. It was a needed day by all of us.

Mud baths for the boys

Ryley relaxed on his towel

The boys' begged from Daddy

We swam a little more

And played with new toys

Our friend James Knight told us this was his favorite snack food (thanks James) so James had to try it.

Yelled at toys

.

And slept all the way home!

What a glorious day for all!

Another sweet angel

has joined Cate and Cole in heaven. Haliegh Mae was born still at 24 weeks after her Mommy went through an induction. My heart breaks for her and her husband. The memories of Cate's induction are fresh in my mind and heart. I can not believe another Mommy & Daddy has to go on this road. When will it ever stop? When will there be not be a board or a support group for parents of babies who passed away too soon? If their was just a way to make it happen.
Our group lights a candle every Sunday in honor of all babies and children who passes away too soon. If you have a minute would you please light a candle today in honor of Cate, Cate, and all their angel baby friends. Also in honor their Mommies and Daddies who are missing them. Thank you!
I don't think I could go on this road without my SHARE girls, my dear angel Mommies, and you who comment on my little blog. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. I thank you from the bottom my heart.
Love,
Nicole

Today

Today I am not strong.
Today I want to curl up in my bed and stay there.
Today I the tears won't stop falling.
Today is a difficult day.
Today our neighbor announced she is expecting in February.
Today our friend announced her daughter is expecting her fourth.
Today I am asking why not us?
Today I am missing my babies (not unlike another day)
Today everyone says I am very strong to be going through this, what other choice do I have?
Today I cry in silence behind the smile.
Today I have to go a neighborhood party. I am bringing salsa and chips. I wonder if I can just send J with it.
Today I have to see babies.
Today I wish it was next year but then again what is going to be so great about next year?
Today I hope someone remembers to mention our babies at the party.
Today I hate.
Today I am angry.
Today I am sad.
Today I wish.

Tomorrow might be better.

Plug for my sister-in-law!

Check out Andrea's cute baby hangers! http://hanghersandhis.blogspot.com/

So very adorable.

Graditude and Latitude

It's the ebb and flow of gratitude and latitude that that gets us through everyday. Always be grateful but don't be ashamed to admit the latitude.

I fell upon this blog tonight, http://whenoctoberfalls.blogspot.com/, and thought the Lord works in my life in ways I would never have thought. She wrote of gratitude and latitude. I have so much to grateful for and often I forget how blessed I really am. I wallow in the sorrow of losing Cole and Cate, the unfairness of the IVF, and the anger of all the women who can get pregnant who do not realize how blessed they are. Tonight, thanks to the said blog, is my short list of gratitude and latitudes.

1. A husband who blesses my life on a daily basis.
2. Cole and Cate
   
3. Friends whom I have met that are on this horrible road with me. They make me laugh, smile, pray for us, and let me cry when the hurt consumes my soul.
   
4. Andrea and Tyson, the best brother and sister-in-law this girl could ask for
   
5. Rakelle, who calls and goes to lunch with me just to check up on how we are doing.
   
6. Mom, Dad and fabulous in-laws
7. J's job with health care benefits
8. My boys
   
9. My home and my garden, which makes me smile
10. My faith
11. Ice cream
12. A good night's sleep, which is rare but oh so grateful
    
13. Chicago
    

Latitude

1. Give me latitude when the grief causes me to be so very angry.
2. Give me latitude when the answers are not as fast as I want them.
3. Give me latitude when I am so impatient with the process of adoption
   
4. Give me latitude when I don't want to hear about how your baby is kicking you at night and you can't get to sleep.
   
5. Give me latitude when I cry alligator tears
6. Give me latitude when my heart hurts as our due date approaches
   

16 weeks ago

Dear Cate,
Sixteen weeks ago I gave birth to you, my precious little fighter. We know you fought as long as you could and we thank you for the extra two weeks we had with you. You are in our thoughts today, Cate, as we celebrate your short life and the impact that you have made. You have touched a lot of lives as I share you story with strangers who have become Mommy's friends. You have reached places that I could not ever hope to in my lifetime and you reached them in your short little life here with us. We are blessed beyond measure to have you as our daughter.
We have learned how to laugh again, Cate. It took Daddy and I a long time but we laugh now. We laughed a lot on our trip to Chicago. We laughed when the beluga whale spat water at Daddy, we laughed at silly dolphins playing with their toys, and we laughed when we saw how little our hands are compared to the gorillas. Daddy and I needed a vacation together to reconnect and we did. We laughed, we cried, we hoped and we smiled. We thank you for the love that we felt from you and Cole.
We miss you beyond measure and look forward to the day that we can hold you in our arms when you welcome us home. Please continue to send laughter, smiles and hope down to your Mommy and Daddy. Please also continue to watch over us from above. We turned in our final adoption book today, Cate, our final piece of our adoption paperwork. We hope that you will help us keep our hearts open for what is to come. We know you will make a great big sister!
I love you sweet baby girl!
Until we meet again,
Mommy

We are back from Chicago!

We had a blast! I will blog about it later after I edit the photos, all 400 of them!

Peace Rose

The babies' rose bloomed again and another bud might pop this week. This makes me smile! Thanks Cole and Cate for sending smiles to Mommy!

Happy 4 month Angel Day, Cole!

My dearest Cole,
I can not believe it has been 16 long weeks since I held you and kissed your little face as you left to be with Jesus. I can not believe it has been 16 weeks since your Daddy held you and loved on you. Grandparents counted your toes and fingers. Daddy kissed your little hands. And then you left us to be an angel.
We are trying to strong, Cole, but our hearts break daily that you are not here. We do know you are with God and He is singing you lullabies.
Please send strength to Mommy. Hope for Daddy. Love for both of us as we struggle to make it through this day.
I made blueberry pancakes this morning for Daddy for breakfast. I hope you can see the mess I made. I know you would laugh! It is a disaster! It is a good thing we have a dishwasher.
Your tree has a lot of new buds. It looks like it might bloom in the next few days. Also the Peace Rose is ready to re bloom for the third time. Thanks for the all blooms, Cole. It sure brings us a lot of smiles to our faces!
We are off to walk your big brothers as soon as Daddy gets off his conference call.
Happy Angel Day, my little buddy. We will celebrate you today with you on our hearts, in our minds and always full of love for you, Cole.
I better go start cleaning of the mess I made.
We love you with every fiber of our hearts!
Until we meet again,
Mommy and Daddy

48 things

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not really.

2. Your Favorite Shoes? My flip flops, easy to put on, easy to take off... as you know I hate wearing shoes!

3. Do you own a gun? No.

4. Your favorite song? Littlest Angels

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Now yes!

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I have a love hate relationship... I love them, they hate me.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Coke... I know bad!

9. Can you do push ups? A few.

10. Are you afraid of flying? Yes!

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring and Cole and Cate's bracelet.

12. Favorite hobby? Running, baking, hiking, and swimming... can't chose just one!

13. Animals: love them or hate them? Love them!

14. Do you have ADD? Oh yeah!

15. What do you hate about yourself? Lack of motivation

16. What is your middle name? I don't have one.

17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment: 1. I need to get off my butt and go sand the door. 2. These are a lot of questions! 3. Who actually reads my blog? 4. I wonder how J is playing in his golf tournament

18. What's your favorite number? 2

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? 1. Diet Coke 2. Water 3. Milk

20. Current worry right now? Will a birthmother pick us and how soon?

21. Current hate right now? The unknown of the adoption situation.

22. Favorite place to be? Hiking Millcreek with J and the boys.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? We were at a party!

24. Where would you like to go? Anywhere with a beach, sand, and drinks with umbrellas!

25. Name three people who will complete this? I so don't care.

26. Do you own slippers? Nope.

27. What shirt are you wearing? Blue tee shirt

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope. I am a cotton only kind of girl.

29. Can you whistle? Yes

30. Favorite color? Red, of course!

31. Would you be a pirate? Not anymore.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.

33. Favorite girl's name? Cate Alexandrea, of course! 2: Scarlet Nicole

34. Favorite boy's name? Cole Henry, of course! Second: Grayson James

35. What's in your pocket right now? Poop bag. I just got home from the dog park.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Murphy running and swimming with three other black labs

37. Best bed sheets as a child? I have no idea

38. Worst injury you've ever had? Falling off a water tube and hitting my face on a rock! OUCH!

39. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4

40. Who is your loudest friend? We are all loud and giggly.

41. How many dogs do you have? Just two for now.

42. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. I should go ask J.

43. Favorite Book? Oh there is a huge list! I always have my nose in a book!

44. Partying hard or Laying low? Both, depends on the day. Seems more laying low these days though.

45. What is your favorite candy? Kit Kat

46. Favorite Sports team? The Mets! Thanks to Tyson!

47.What were you doing 12 AM last night? Asleep. :)

48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Where is J? Then I remembered he was golfing. Silly me! It is the weekend and that is where he always is.

This speaks to my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2APLVytIGU

My dearest angels,
Mommy and Daddy love you. Please watch over us tonight. Mommy's heart is heavy with tears and sadness. Please let Mommy know you are here in spirit. I need you both. And there is not a day I do not think about you and hope you are playing up in heaven with all other babies who were taken too soon. Please kiss baby Grace, Will, Nate, Emery, Mikelle, Scarlett,McKenzie Lee, Peanut, Zoe,Lucianna, Johnny, Ericka and all other babies who have left their Mommies and Daddies too soon.
Love you babies,
Mommy

I miss being pregnant

I miss my babies. I miss my belly. I miss my Cole and Cate. Today is a sad day.