Happy 4 month Angel Day, Cole!

My dearest Cole,
I can not believe it has been 16 long weeks since I held you and kissed your little face as you left to be with Jesus. I can not believe it has been 16 weeks since your Daddy held you and loved on you. Grandparents counted your toes and fingers. Daddy kissed your little hands. And then you left us to be an angel.
We are trying to strong, Cole, but our hearts break daily that you are not here. We do know you are with God and He is singing you lullabies.
Please send strength to Mommy. Hope for Daddy. Love for both of us as we struggle to make it through this day.
I made blueberry pancakes this morning for Daddy for breakfast. I hope you can see the mess I made. I know you would laugh! It is a disaster! It is a good thing we have a dishwasher.
Your tree has a lot of new buds. It looks like it might bloom in the next few days. Also the Peace Rose is ready to re bloom for the third time. Thanks for the all blooms, Cole. It sure brings us a lot of smiles to our faces!
We are off to walk your big brothers as soon as Daddy gets off his conference call.
Happy Angel Day, my little buddy. We will celebrate you today with you on our hearts, in our minds and always full of love for you, Cole.
I better go start cleaning of the mess I made.
We love you with every fiber of our hearts!
Until we meet again,
Mommy and Daddy

48 things

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not really.

2. Your Favorite Shoes? My flip flops, easy to put on, easy to take off... as you know I hate wearing shoes!

3. Do you own a gun? No.

4. Your favorite song? Littlest Angels

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Now yes!

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I have a love hate relationship... I love them, they hate me.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Coke... I know bad!

9. Can you do push ups? A few.

10. Are you afraid of flying? Yes!

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring and Cole and Cate's bracelet.

12. Favorite hobby? Running, baking, hiking, and swimming... can't chose just one!

13. Animals: love them or hate them? Love them!

14. Do you have ADD? Oh yeah!

15. What do you hate about yourself? Lack of motivation

16. What is your middle name? I don't have one.

17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment: 1. I need to get off my butt and go sand the door. 2. These are a lot of questions! 3. Who actually reads my blog? 4. I wonder how J is playing in his golf tournament

18. What's your favorite number? 2

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? 1. Diet Coke 2. Water 3. Milk

20. Current worry right now? Will a birthmother pick us and how soon?

21. Current hate right now? The unknown of the adoption situation.

22. Favorite place to be? Hiking Millcreek with J and the boys.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? We were at a party!

24. Where would you like to go? Anywhere with a beach, sand, and drinks with umbrellas!

25. Name three people who will complete this? I so don't care.

26. Do you own slippers? Nope.

27. What shirt are you wearing? Blue tee shirt

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope. I am a cotton only kind of girl.

29. Can you whistle? Yes

30. Favorite color? Red, of course!

31. Would you be a pirate? Not anymore.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.

33. Favorite girl's name? Cate Alexandrea, of course! 2: Scarlet Nicole

34. Favorite boy's name? Cole Henry, of course! Second: Grayson James

35. What's in your pocket right now? Poop bag. I just got home from the dog park.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Murphy running and swimming with three other black labs

37. Best bed sheets as a child? I have no idea

38. Worst injury you've ever had? Falling off a water tube and hitting my face on a rock! OUCH!

39. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4

40. Who is your loudest friend? We are all loud and giggly.

41. How many dogs do you have? Just two for now.

42. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so. I should go ask J.

43. Favorite Book? Oh there is a huge list! I always have my nose in a book!

44. Partying hard or Laying low? Both, depends on the day. Seems more laying low these days though.

45. What is your favorite candy? Kit Kat

46. Favorite Sports team? The Mets! Thanks to Tyson!

47.What were you doing 12 AM last night? Asleep. :)

48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Where is J? Then I remembered he was golfing. Silly me! It is the weekend and that is where he always is.

This speaks to my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2APLVytIGU

My dearest angels,
Mommy and Daddy love you. Please watch over us tonight. Mommy's heart is heavy with tears and sadness. Please let Mommy know you are here in spirit. I need you both. And there is not a day I do not think about you and hope you are playing up in heaven with all other babies who were taken too soon. Please kiss baby Grace, Will, Nate, Emery, Mikelle, Scarlett,McKenzie Lee, Peanut, Zoe,Lucianna, Johnny, Ericka and all other babies who have left their Mommies and Daddies too soon.
Love you babies,
Mommy

I miss being pregnant

I miss my babies. I miss my belly. I miss my Cole and Cate. Today is a sad day.

This speaks what my heart feels...

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Please know they exist. Ask about them. They were here. My Cate and Cole were alive. They are little souls who need to remembered. When I cry it is because my heart is still broken. No, I am not over it. No, I don't expected you to get it and I pray you never will. This road is not one I want you on. But I am on this road and so is J. Do not expect that in a lifetime I will get over it. Until you can bring back my babies there is no getting over it. The healing takes a lifetime.

Brotherly love

This photo was taken in February 2009.

This photo was taken today.
Awe, brotherly love.
Notice the sock? Murphy sleeps with one sometimes two socks.
Makes me heart smile on days like today when my heart is full of missing the babies.

JJ

J always piles my stuff so I don't leave anything behind. Today, he piled it before he left for golf. Notice how my phone is charging? He does that for me, too. I love this man. He keeps me on top of it all.