Missing Cole, Cate, and Jaxson

Today, is a very difficult day and my heart is heavy. I am very much missing my babies, and my Jaxson. We went to Strut Your Mutt this morning with Murphy and Ryley, though it was fun to see the boys having a great time my heart was aching for my Jaxson. He loved Strut as he was often one of the biggest dogs there so he received a lot of attention and love. Not only was my heart sad for Jax but I was not even going to walk this year as I would have been very pregnant but atlas I was there walking with all the other Mommies, strollers, and hearing newborn cries. Seeing dads with their babies in backpacks, in wagons, and holding chubby little hands. And there I was trying not to cry over the hurt of seeing it all. Missing my babies and my big loveable Jax.
While James was in line with Murphy I sat down on the cool grass with Ry, who was exhausted and hot, and a little girl named Jordan introduced herself. She said she was four and she wanted to pet my dog. She sat down beside me and we talked for a long time. She had huge brown eyes, her ponytail was halfway undone, dirty feet, and painted toenails. She was very beautiful! I wondered if Cate would have been like that. I know she would have dirty little feet just like Jordan as she would have been playing with Cole in the dirt. Just like their Mommy. And Cate's hair would have been half way undone, too. I wish I would have enough strength to tell Jordan's mom what a beautiful little girl she was raising but I did not, and they walked away while my heart broke in a million pieces.
I miss my babies, and my Jaxson. Today is a difficult day.

Swimming Murphy

Video of the babies

Please check out this video of the babies made by my friend.

http://angelbabymemorials.blogspot.com

Cole Henry

Our sweet Cole was born two months ago today and today I am very much missing him. He was born at 2:25 am at Saint Mark's, weighing in at 4.6 oz and 7 inches long. He has long legs like his Daddy, my chin, and the longest little fingers. He was born too early at 17 weeks. That fateful day two months ago has changed my life. I held my sweet little boy in my arms, kissed his little head, and told him how very much I loved him. Then he was gone.
When we found out we were having a little boy I was elated! I always hoped for a little boy and now my dream was about to come true. I wanted Cole to play trucks with me, teach him to swim, play in the dirt with me, and who would explore bugs. Dreams of Cole tossing the ball with the dogs, and reading books about dumptrucks to at night. Then my dreams were shattered. Now I had to make other plans like Memorials, and figure out to cope with the loss of him. I am still figuring out to cope without him.
Today please send angel kisses to our sweet little boy and peace to his Mommy and Daddy.
We love you Cole. I only hoped you know how much!

Adoption

Yesterday, we talked to Jane at Heart and Soul about the process of adoption. My heart leaped out of out my chest when she asked how fast we wanted a baby. How fast?!? It seems unreal to me that we could be parents by year's end. But it also hurts my heart that we have to go through this process. The process of a background checks, a home study, interviews and it goes on and on to be parents. God has taken my Cole and Cate so here we go down another path of unknown to be parents to earth babies. Please continue to pray for us.
Please also pray for us this week as it is going to be a difficult one. Our dear friends Chirin and Jeremy are burying there babies on Tuesday, and Cate and Cole's memorial is Saturday.

Our babies Cole Henry and Cate Alexandrea

Ryley is Daddy's Boy!

James is out of town for the night and Ryley is missing him terribly.
If Ry could go everywhere with James he would be a very happy dog. Ry sleeps in his office when he works, follows him when he is not and cries when he leaves town.
So on behalf of Ryley, hurry home Daddy!

Mother's Day Without Our Angels

Mother's Day Without Our Angels

It's Mother's Day and this day of all days is especially difficult for us...Mothers who are without our Angels.

While other mothers are receiving hugs, kisses and gifts from their children; we find ourselves with empty arms, remembering Our Angels with tear stained faces.While other mothers are having bar-b-ques, going on picnics, or going out to eat with their children; our day is spent thinking of what might have been...what would our Angel look like now, what would they be doing with their lives, would they be married, would they have children?

We are haunted by the one question that we know we will never have an answer to but still cannot refrain from asking over and over again..."Why?", "Why me?", "Why my child?" We go over and over the moment that we learned of our child's death. We can remember every detail no matter how minute. We question whether there might have been something that we might have said or done that may have saved our child's life. Still, we receive no answer.

We try not to think about the fact that it is Mother's Day but rarely do we succeed. So we just do our best to get through the day. We smile and wish others a Happy Mother's Day even though the words almost stick in our throats. Even if we have other children, the day is still more a reminder of what we have lost than of what we have.

We have wished that there were no such holiday but there it is every year, so we muddle our way through all of the "Happy Mother's Days" and try not to notice when we see other mothers surrounded by their beautiful, healthy children but our hearts are aching to hold our Angels just one more time, to give them one more kiss, to touch their cheek to smell their hair...just one more time...Please God, just one more time!

I've often wondered if these mothers realize just how fortunate they are. Do they really comprehend how much they are blessed? I want to tell them, "your children are precious gifts, don't take their lives for granted" but would they truly understand? I doubt it because these kinds of things only happen to "other people". But we understand, we know how fragile life is because we are those other people!

So here I sit, another Mother's Day without my Angels. I still long for my children. Time has dulled the pain but it cannot erase it. I will go on just as I have all of these years but part of me died along with my children and nothing and no one can ever change that.

We, Mothers without our Angels, belong to a sisterhood that, unfortunately, is growing everyday. It is not an exclusive club. It's requirements are few but the dues we pay are costlier than anyone could ever imagine. We come from all walks of life, all religions, all races. Our membership is quite diverse but we do have something in common besides the loss of a child...we are all survivors.

With the support and encouragement of each other we DO survive!

Jacquelyn M. Comeaux
Copyright 2000

I love and miss you Cate and Cole!
Love,
Mommy

Cate and Cole's Memorial Service

If you have not heard we have set May 23, 2009 from 11-1:00 for Cate and Cole's memorial service.

We are heartbroken to say we also have a memorial to attend for Nate and William. So again we ask for your prayers of strength for both services.

SOME MOTHERS DON'T GET A PERFECT ENDING (EXCERPTS FROM ERMA BOMBECK)

SOME MOTHERS DON'T GET A PERFECT ENDING (EXCERPTS FROM ERMA BOMBECK)

If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose it to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"

The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look at life differently.

This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.

In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.

The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."

Two more angels are joining

Cate and Cole in heaven today. My very dear friend lost her twin baby boys, Nathan and William. We are heartbroken. We always joked that Cate would date one of the boys. And Cole would teach Chirin how to play in the dirt.
If you have a minute send angel kisses and love to their Mommy and Daddy.

We love you Chirin and Jeremy!

Love,
Nicole and James

Cole and Cate

Homesick by Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE

Jaxson

My dear sweet Jaxson left us on October 24, 2008 and today he popped in my head as I was at Millcreek Gardens. He loved to be outside with me in the garden and today I miss my planting buddy. I miss my gentle giant with a heart of gold.
If you have a moment today send angel kisses to my garden buddy and peace to his Mommy. I am off to plant flowers with Jaxson on my mind and in my heart. Kisses my dear Jaxson! We love you!

Mother's Day 2009

Dear Cole and Cate,
Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10, and I will be celebrating along with other Mommies. I will celebrate that you both were with Daddy and I for 17 and 19 weeks. I will celebrate that I got to hold you both after you were born. So tiny and prefect. Too prefect for this world. I will celebrate that Daddy held his little boy while the Doctor was working on Mommy. It was a beautiful moment a Daddy and his little boy. I will celebrate that you, Cate; you always gave the Doctor bum shots on the ultrasounds, as you disliked the machine. Maybe that is why you came out bum first. I will celebrate that you chose me to be your Mommy. I am a very honored that I get to be Cole and Cate's Mommy. So on this, my first Mother's Day, a day set aside to honor Mommies, I will celebrate being your Mommy with honor!

I love and miss you sweet little ones,
Mommy

Sweet baby Cate

The tears have not stop falling today. I can't do this. I am not strong enough. One of the Caplins, Barbara, at Saint Mark's called us and Cate's "newborn" pictures were ready to be picked up. She met James and I in the lobby and I lost it. My sweet baby girl...beautiful little Cate... her sweet little face brought a flood of tears. Barbara was wonderful as she sat with us for a long while looking at the pictures with us and saying when God closes the door He opens a window. I told her He has forgotten about us! We have lost our Jax and our two babies in the last 5.5 months. The door is still shut and shut tight, there is no window.

Bereaved Parents Wish List author unknown

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.