Monday, July 6, 2009
Two other Mommies lost their babies. One at 37 weeks, twin girls and one at 20 weeks also a girl. My heart is very heavy with emotion for them. Only we who have lost a baby get it. I get it. I wish I did not have to get it. This road of getting it is getting more difficult as the summer months pass on. We were told make it until the 4th of July the babies will be in the safe zone. Fuck, there is no "safe zone". I am very angry today. Angry that another Mom has to go on this road. Anger that I am a mommy with babies not here. Angry that while others get prefect ultrasounds I get one that said my son is in the in the birth canal and there is nothing we can do but deliver him. Deliver him way too soon at 17 weeks. God, I am so angry. Do you hear my grief, God? Do you know that I am angry at you? Do you see the tears that run down my face when the day is long and I am missing my babies? Do you hear my pleads? Is there hope that a little one will be running around here someday? God don't you see you took my babies and I don't know how to cope anymore? I was doing well and now I am so very angry. So angry today. Angry at the world. Angry when I saw a sign that read pregnant,hungry and homeless. Why God? Why does she get to keep her baby and I don't? I hate this summer. I fucking hate it. I am trying to be strong but I hate it. I hate and I am angry. Now I am going to go buy a deep cleaning vacuum because Murphy has thrown up three times this morning. This is going to be a long day.